Assaulted by a Booger

My son has been sick for almost two weeks. I have been waiting for the next person to be afflicted. As I am sitting at my computer willing myself not to be sick, even though I can feel my chest tightening, throat getting scratchy, it reminded me of all the people who I have sat next to on a plane and felt like fumigating right then and there.

You've seen them. They cough and hack without covering their mouths. Or they cough into their hand. Seriously dude, you are grabbing the seat backs, trays and overhead bin doors after using your hand as a spit shield!

They make a real cool thing that you can carry with you. It's called hand sanitizer. They make it in liquid form, sprayable form, handy little wipes and they all work to protect us from YOUR germs.

Now, before you get all "ohhh...she's a germaphobe!", I need to make it clear. I am not a germaphobe. I don't buy antibacterial soap. In fact, I go out of my way to NOT buy it. I think that is why there are so many strains of bacteria that are resistant.

I do not get a paper towel to turn the faucet off, I use my elbow. I don't make my kids wash their hands before we eat.

What I do require is that they cough into their elbow instead of their hand. Make sure that they wash their hands after blowing their nose or going to the bathroom. Oh and for full disclosure...I will sometimes cut up veggies on the same cutting board as chicken. GASP!

I never really thought of this until the one day I was flying from San Diego to Minneapolis. I was deplaning and reached up to open the overhead bin. (Cue mystery music here. DUH-DUH-DUH)

As I opened the bin, I felt a gooey spot. If you have ever flown, there should be NO gooey spots on the latch! Pull my hand away and gaze in wonderment...it was a BOOGER!!! 

Twentieth Century Fox 1984

Ewwwwwww!!!! So what do I do? I shriek in utter horror and do what anyone would do. I wiped it on the back of the seat. 

I know, it was wrong of me but you have to understand, it was gross. It was someone else's booger and I was in grossed-out panic mode! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!

All I really want to do is punch the person who did it. Whoever you are, you just got lucky, very lucky that I didn't know who you were!

And no, I am not a mysophobe either.

What?!? You can hear MY music?

Yes, I can. I can hear your music. I don't want to, but I do.

You have seen the people with their little white ear buds bopping there heads to the invisible beat. They are everywhere, buses, trains, stores, and my favorite...planes. I swear they just grow into the ears of people. I am thinking they have an ear cleaning app so they don't have to remove them.

Did I say invisible beat? I must have been dreaming because I can hear that "beat" over the sound of the engines.

No, I don't have supersonic hearing. But, my husband does this irritating cute thing where he "clicks" his eardrums and I can hear it across the room.Even my kids know that I have poor hearing. Especially when they are yelling "mom....Mom...MOMMMMMM!"

I digress....

What is it with me? I seem to attract the dipshit that has the earbuds on and they have cranked up the volume to epic levels. Its like sitting next to a TV where the volume goes up for each commercial but just stays there for 3 minutes. Then bliss...that quiet period between songs. The bliss is rudely interrupted by another song. And it's never any good music. Its gotta be the rap or some alternative-crack-smoking-black-haired screaming shit with an impossibly loud bass beat.

We refer to that in our house as Anger Music.

Just hearing it, makes me angry.

And yes, if I am sitting right next to you...I will tolerate it for a while. I am hopeful that you will have the realization that you are encroaching on my personal airspace with unwanted sound waves. But be warned. There will be a split second that it puts me over the edge and...

I WILL tell you and I WILL ask you to turn it down. I will do it nicely but firmly. Even though I want to rip them out of your ears and strangle you with the cord. I will refrain from that. 

It really makes me angry if you are sitting 2, 3 or 4 rows away and I can still hear it. YOU are harder for me to get to...those karma daggers are being shot your way with as much karmic power as I can muster up. I just feel sorry for the people sitting closer to you.

So if you are already freakin' deaf from listening to that crap...get to an audiologist. Your fellow passengers will appreciate it.

Now, where did I put my noise cancelling ear buds?

Pet Peeve of a Frequent Traveler

I can put up with a lot when I am traveling.

Long security lines, infrequent travelers who don't know the rules of the liquids you can and cannot carry on the plane. I can even put up with the idiots who don't take their parkas off and try to get through security...HELLO! Whatcha got hiding under there, buddy? Yup, ain't gonna let you through with THAT...

The one thing that I cannot stand is the "seat grabber". NO! I am not referring to someone who grabs your a**!!! Although that would rank right up there too. Although, I think that is reserved to elementary school shenanigans (I love that word...shenanigans...it just sounds so...so..shenanaginny). No, this is the person who has to grab your seat as they :

• Walk past your seat
• Get up from behind you
• Go to sit down behind you
• Readjust themeselves...a million freakin' times

Really...seriously sh**head! Do you not see my head resting there? Did I mention that it is resting ON MY SEAT? I really would like to have my hair back...they can do wonders with transplants, they should be able to reimplant the chunk YOU JUST PULLED OUT OF THE TOP OF MY HEAD! Please and thank you.

I can (partly...and that is stretching it) understand it if you need an extra amount of leverage to get up but could you at least warn me? There is nothing like having your body yanked back by your hair as someone grabs your seat while you are trying to sleep! Whoa, did the plane just crash? Nah, that was just you trying to  flip my seat backwards!

What's worse is when someone does this several times during a flight to go to the bathroom...they need to take cues from that crazy lady astronaut and maybe wear diapers....just saying! 

And being the nice person that I am, you will just get the most evil evil-eye I can muster. Even though I really just want to punch you in the face until you poop your pants! Happy Travels!